Inspector Flytrap in the President's Mane Is Missing Read online

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Angleberger, Tom, author.

  Inspector Flytrap in The president’s mane is missing! and other thrilling mysteries, co-starring Nina the Goat / by Tom Angleberger ; illustrated by Cece Bell.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-4197-0955-5

  [1. Mystery and detective stories. 2. Venus’s flytrap—Fiction. 3. Goats—Fiction. 4. Animals—Fiction. 5. Humorous stories.] I. Bell, Cece, illustrator. II. Title. III. Title: President’s mane is missing and other thrilling mysteries.

  PZ7.A585Inw 2016

  [Fic]—dc23

  2015016399

  Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-4197-0955-5

  Paperback ISBN: 978-1-4197-0966-1

  eISBN: 978-1-6131-2833-6

  Text copyright © 2016 Tom Angleberger

  Illustrations copyright © 2016 Cece Bell

  Book design by Maria T. Middleton

  Published in 2016 by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

  Amulet Books and Amulet Paperbacks are registered trademarks of Harry N. Abrams, Inc.

  Amulet Books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact [email protected] or the address below.

  ABRAMS The Art of Books

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  To illustration genius

  Kyle T. Webster—thanks for

  creating all those awesome

  brushes!

  CONTENTS

  PART 1

  Inspector Flytrap in The President’s Mane Is Missing

  PART 2

  Inspector Flytrap in The Venus Fly

  PART 3

  Inspector Flytrap Has Lunch

  PART 4

  Inspector Flytrap in The Best-Looking Statue in the History of Statues

  Chapter 1

  My phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said. “Flytrap Detective Agency.”

  A slow voice started asking me questions.

  “Is this . . . Mr. Flytrap?”

  “My name,” I answered, “is INSPECTOR Flytrap. I am a detective. Do you have a THRILLING mystery for me to solve?”

  “Wait a minute,” said the slow voice slowly. “I thought . . . you solved . . . BIG DEAL mysteries.”

  “Yes, I do,” I said. “However, I am also trying to become the World’s Greatest Detective. So I’ve decided to solve only THRILLING mysteries.”

  “But I have a . . . BIG DEAL mystery,” said the slow voice.

  “That’s fine,” I said, “as long as it is also THRILLING. Please tell me what the mystery is AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, and I’ll tell you if I am thrilled.”

  “I have lost my . . . pickle paperweight.”

  “I am NOT thrilled,” I said. “A missing pickle paperweight is not THRILLING, and it’s not even a BIG DEAL. Also, I have already found your pickle paperweight once before. Remember?”

  “No . . . you found A pickle paperweight . . . but it was not MY pickle . . . paperweight.”

  “It wasn’t?”

  “No . . . mine is much bigger.”

  “How big is it?”

  “Big enough for . . . a hoofed mammal to hide behind!”

  “Well, that is big,” I said. “But like I said, I solve only THRILLING mysteries!”

  And I hung up before he could start a slow argument about it!

  Sheesh! I’m trying to become the greatest detective that ever grew! I don’t have time to go around looking for big metal pickles!

  Chapter 2

  My phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said. “Flytrap Detective Agency.”

  A rude voice started asking me questions.

  “Is this Mr. Spyflap?”

  “My name,” I answered, “is Inspector Flytrap. I am a—

  “What the hay is a flytrap?”

  “A flytrap is a plant that eats flies.”

  “So your name is Spyflap the Flytrap?”

  “It’s not SPYFLAP,” I yelled into the phone. “It’s FLYTRAP!”

  “That’s nuts!”

  “It’s not nuts! I’m a Venus flytrap, so it makes sense that my name is Flytrap!”

  “Yeah, maybe. But I still think Flytrap is a dumb name!”

  “My name is Inspector Flytrap! I am a famous detective.”

  “Oh yeah? If you’re so famous, how come I’ve never heard of you?”

  “You must have heard of me!”

  “Nope.”

  “But YOU are calling ME on the phone!”

  “Well, I’m trying to reach Nina the Goat.”

  Nina the Goat is my assistant. Since I am a plant and live in a flowerpot, I need someone to move me from one thrilling crime scene to the next. Nina pushes me from place to place on a skateboard—really fast. Too fast!

  “I’m sorry, Nina the Goat cannot talk on the phone right now.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if I give her the phone, she’ll eat it.”

  “She still eats stuff?”

  “Yes, she eats just about everything, including cans, can openers, wires, belt buckles, books, e-books, small cars, door-stops, lacrosse sticks, tables, and toilets.”

  “She ate the toilet?”

  “Yes.”

  “How do you go to the bathroom?”

  “I’m a plant. I don’t have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Really? What about—”

  “This is ridiculous!” I screamed into the phone. “My bathroom habits are none of your business! Now, do you want to leave a message for Nina or not?”

  “Oh yeah . . . uh . . . tell her the President of the United States of America called. Just tell her to stop by the Capitol Building at noon. You can come, too, Flyball.”

  And then he hung up.

  Chapter 3

  Nina!” I shouted. “You won’t believe this! The President of the United States just called you!’

  “Big deal,” replied Nina, chewing on the handle of my brand-new magnifying glass.

  Nina rarely gets excited, but I thought she would show more interest than this.

  “Nina, it was the President of the United States! President Horse G. Horse himself!”

  “Did he leave a message?”

  I handed her the message.

  She ate it.

  Luckily, I remembered what it said.

  “Nina, he invited you to the Capitol Building today at noon!”

  “Big deal.”

  “But it IS a big deal! Look at this newspaper! It says the President is going to make a thrilling announcement today at noon at the Capitol Building!”

  She ate the newspaper.

  Chapter 4

  Nina pushed my skateboard across town to the Capitol Building.

  There were lots of TV news reporters heading the same way. I hate big crowds! When you are a plant, you have to be extra-careful not to get stepped on.

  “Excuse me,” said a turkey. “I’m a TV news reporter. Are you thrilled abou
t the President’s big news?”

  “Yes! I always read the news and—”

  “Excuse me,” interrupted the turkey. “I was talking to the goat.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  “No comment,” said Nina.

  The turkey gave up and started interviewing a nearby sloth, who was eating a hot dog.

  At last we were coming up to the Capitol Building. But we could barely see it.

  There was something huge in front of it. Bigger than the building! But no one could see what it was, because it was covered with a gigantic tarp.

  “What is it?” the TV news reporters asked each other.

  “I don’t know. It’s a mystery!” they replied.

  “AHA!” I shouted to get their attention. “I, Inspector Flytrap, have solved the mystery! The President is going to take off the tarp, and we will see that it is a big statue, probably of a thrilling figure from U.S. history, like George Washington or Harriet Tubman.”

  Just then a rude voice came booming at us from big speakers.

  “Everyone be quiet! It’s my turn to talk! This is President Horse G. Horse and—HEY! I said HUSH IT UP! And look over here! Eyes on me!”

  We all turned to where the President was standing on the Capitol steps.

  “OK, that’s better! So I’m here to remove the tarp so you can see this big statue of a thrilling figure from U.S. history.”

  “See? I was right!” I said, but none of the TV news reporters were listening and Nina had disappeared.

  The President pushed a button, and the tarp dropped.

  It was a statue of President Horse G. Horse.

  Chapter 5

  I will now answer questions from the reporters about this thrilling new statue of me, President Horse G. Horse, which was created by the famous artist Vanessa Cowcow.”

  Nobody had any questions.

  “OK . . . I will also answer questions about my beautiful new presidential limousine! Isn’t it awesome?”

  Nobody had any questions.

  “All right . . . I will also answer questions about my collection of salt and pepper shakers.”

  There was a long, awkward silence. Not a very thrilling silence, either.

  Actually, it wasn’t completely silent. There was a faraway sound . . . sort of a munch, munch, munch sound.

  I looked around for Nina. I couldn’t find her.

  I thought about asking the President if he had seen her, but someone else was finally asking him a question.

  “Excuse me!” shouted a TV news reporter. “Why doesn’t the statue have a mane?”

  “What?” snarled the President.

  “A mane—you know, the long hair running down the back of your neck.”

  “I know what a mane is, you turkey! I’m a horse!”

  “Well, then . . . why isn’t there a mane on your statue?”

  “What?” snarled the President again.

  “Just look up!”

  The President looked up.

  “MY STATUE!” yelled the President. “THE MANE IS MISSING! Call the Secret Service! Call the Marines! Call the FBI! Somebody figure out where my mane is!”

  “AHA!” I yelled. “Mr. President, I can solve this THRILLING mystery for you!”

  The President and all the TV news reporters turned to look at me.

  “Who the hay are you?” the President asked.

  “I’m Inspector Flytrap, the famous detective.”

  “Oh yeah? If you’re so famous, how come I’ve never heard of you?”

  “You HAVE heard of me! We talked on the phone this morning!”

  “Oh yeah. Flyball—the guy who doesn’t use the toilet,” said the President.

  All the TV news reporters started to gobble, “You don’t use a toilet? Why don’t you use a toilet? Are you protesting toilets?”

  “NO COMMENT!” I yelled.

  “OK, Flyball,” said the President. “Since you think you know everything, what happened to my mane?”

  “My goat ate it,” I said, and pointed up at the top of the statue, where we could see the distant form of Nina the Goat, now chewing away at the statue’s ears.

  “This is the second time she’s broken my heart,” groaned the president, bursting into tears.

  Chapter 6

  My phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said. “Flytrap Detective Agency.”

  A gobbly voice started talking to me.

  “Mr. Flytrap, this is Greta Von Hopinstop with CNNNNNNM News. I just have one more question.”

  “My name is Inspector Flytrap, and I will only answer questions that do NOT involve how I use the bathroom.”

  She hung up.

  I sat there at my desk for a few minutes and watched Nina nibbling at my new file cabinet.

  My phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said. “Flytrap Detective Agency.”

  A gobbly voice started talking to me.

  “Mr. Flytrap, this is Greta Von Hopinstop with CNNNNNNM News. I just have one more question, and it does not involve a toilet.”

  “OK,” I said. “What is it?”

  “How did Nina the Goat get up on top of that huge statue, anyway?”

  I realized that I hadn’t solved that part of the mystery yet.

  “Just a moment,” I told Greta, putting a leaf over the phone.

  “Pssst! Nina!” I whispered. “How did you get up on top of that statue in the first place?”

  “Elevator.”

  “What? I didn’t see one. Where was it?”

  “In his butt.”

  “Ahem,” I said, taking my leaf off the phone. “Greta, I think that should remain a mystery.”

  Chapter 7

  My phone rang.

  “Hello,” I said. “Flytrap Detective Agency.”

  “Is this Inspector Flytrap, the most handsome detective that ever grew?”

  It was Wanda, the most beautiful rose in the world!

  “Wanda!” I shouted. “Oh, darling, it is so nice to talk to you!”

  “BLEERPH,” said Nina, and she began choking.

  “It is nice to talk to you, too,” Wanda said. “I was calling to see if we could have a date tonight.”

  “Oh boy!” I said.

  “BLARRRK!” said Nina, and she began gagging.

  “Wonderful!” I said. “I’ll call Penguini’s Linguini and get a romantic table for two.”

  “AHEM!” said Nina, and she began stamping her hoof.

  “Er . . . ,” I said, “Nina wants to know if William can join us?”

  William is the goat who pushes Wanda’s flowerpot around on a skateboard.

  “Yes,” said Wanda. “So make it a table for four. Bye, darling. See you tonight!”

  I was so happy!

  “I just hope no THRILLING NATIONAL EMERGENCY happens that might make me miss the date,” I said.

  “Me, too,” said Nina. “I want to do a lot of kissing tonight.”

  Chapter 8

  My phone rang.

  “Flytrap Detective Agency,” I said. “Do you have a THRILLING mystery for me to solve?”

  “Could I speak to Mr. Claptrap?” said a rude voice.

  It was President Horse G. Horse again.

  “My name is Inspector Fly-TRAP!”

  “Oh yeah. Whatever. Listen, pal, I have a national emergency here.”

  “Sorry, I solve mysteries, not national emergencies.”

  “Your country needs you!”

  “Well,” I said, “maybe if it’s a THRILLING national emergency. Is it a THRILLING national emergency?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re sure?” I asked. “I’ve been fooled before by people who think they have a THRILLING national emergency, and then it turns out to be something like a pesky fly buzzing around.”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “Okay, what is the THRILLING national emergency?”

  “There’s a pesky fly buzzing around.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. President, that is a tasty
snack, not a thrilling national emergency. Goodbye.”

  I hung up.

  Chapter 9

  My phone rang.

  “How dare you hang up on the President of the United States!” shouted an angry voice.

  “Who is this?”

  “This is the President’s mom. You’ve made him cry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “He’s so upset, his mane is falling out!”

  “I’m sorry. If you put him on the phone, I’ll apologize.”

  The President got back on the phone.

  “Mr. President, I am very sorry.”

  “Thank you, Claptrap. I accept your apology.”

  “My name is—”

  “Now, if you’ll close your big leafy mouth for a minute, I’ve got something to tell you about this fly.”

  “OK,” I said.

  “Are you sitting down?”

  “I am a plant,” I said. “I don’t sit down.”

  “Then how do you—Oh, never mind. Here’s what I forgot to tell you: The pesky fly is 400 feet tall!”

  “WHAT?” I shrieked.

  “Yes! It’s a alien space fly from another planet, and it’s buzzing around the city and scaring everyone!”

  “You mean it’s a . . .”

  “Yes! It’s a VENUS FLY!” shouted the president. “And since you’re a Venus fly-TRAP, you’re our only hope!”

  “Sir, it will be an honor to serve my country and solve this THRILLING—”

  “JUST GET RID OF THE FLY!”

  He hung up.

  Chapter 10

  Nina! We’ve got to go! There’s a THRILLING national emergency! A 400-foot-tall Venus fly is attacking the city.”

  “Big deal.”

  “It IS a big deal, Nina! Look—there it goes now!”

  We looked out the window.

  A giant fly was swooping over the city, causing panic, riots, traffic jams, and undue delays.

  “That buzzing is really annoying,” said Nina, putting on a pair of earmuffs.

  “That’s why we’ve got to do something about it!”